I’ve been pulling my eyebrows for about as long as I can remember. Actually, that’s not quite true, since I use to just caress and stroke them which was a nice feeling, but left me with a slightly bald patch. Things took a turn for the worse in university when the patch grew larger and larger and stroking transformed into plucking – to the point where most of my eyebrows disappeared. I’ve explained it away as an accident in the chem lab, or a bonfire.. or a millio other things that I’m pretty sure noone ever believed.
I’ve spent years trying to figure out what is at the bottom of this – why do I do it? For a time it seemed to be mainly self-sabotage : I’d pluck them before a date so that rejection wouldn’t mean rejection of *ME* but rather because of my damed missing eyebrow. That was a pretty good explanation except for the other times I’d find myself with a blank space above my eyebrow.
So… stress then. Whenever I would leave Hungary and go sailing, travelling or to a festival or workshop they would grow back. Right up to the point where I was close to returning home and would notice that “hey, I haven’t touched them in a week! wow! I’m going to be able to go home and show people that I have eyebrows! I’ve beaten it”. Yeah… right. NOT. From that moment it was just a matter of time.. days, hours, sometimes even less, until I decimated the follicles again 😦
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt honey!
Mark Twain
I’ve told myself a billion times that “this is the last one. Really. The very last one. It’s over!”… but it never lasts. I’d just accidentally touch them and feel that ONE harder strand… and it would be there.. and I would know it .. and feel it.. until it went.. and if one went, then I’ve fucked it up anyway, so why not just go to town on them and feel that strange release as each hair is pulled out at and slides out of my skin. Aaa…. Oh no! WAAAARghh. Not again!!
Its a dance. Its a problem. If I can’t handle something as simple as JUST NOT STROKING MY EYEBROWS, then how can I be suprised that I fail at everything else? Obviously I have no willpower, no strength of character.. no… etc. etc..etc.. just insert and self deprecating and loathing comments until you get bored.
It took me years to self diagnose with Trichotillomania. The rubbing of plucked strands against my lips was the deciding symptom for me. SO I named it. and went right on to blame it and just keep on doing the same thing…. Yay me! Look it up. and good luck finding a photo of a man in articles about it.
I’ve started CBT therapy, and mostly have just been saying yeah, yeah. I do the homework, which is pretty much just awareness based – becoming aware of thoughts and feelings and physical sensations associated with this. Been there, done that.. yadda yadda. Sure.. I’ll do that – I mean I’m really good at being aware… hahahAHHAHAHHhaha…
It actually IS all about control, just not in the way I thought
Self delusion at its best. I finally hit on something new this last week. Its the feeling of being helpless, of not being able to affect what is happening to me or around me that triggers it. If I can’t control anything else, at least I can control the hairs that make up my eyebrows. I have direct and absolute control over them. The import part is that its NOT about self-control at all!! The less control I have in my life, my relationships, my work – the more I pluck. This also finally makes it clear why I go into full on beserker elimination mode when I can’t for some reason get a grip on and pull that one hair that I felt and decided to remove. It drives me into a frenzy – the one thing that I had that I could control, and I CAN’T EVEN CONTROL THAT!!!! AAARGAFFAAAARRRRRKKWAD!!! The level of frustration just goes through the roof and I lose control. That finally makes sense. There is a huge feeling of relief associated with this discovery. I also pluck when watching a movie where something is intense and I have – suprise – zero control over what will happen, so as a reflex, I have something I can control. Same when working or programming and I get stuck on something. When it feels intractible, my fingers do the walking to regain some sense of control. Hmm.
Breaking it down
I’ve separated this whole behavious pattern into 2 parts now.
- There is the light stroking which is comfort thing – a calming, good feeling for my nervous system – a left over from when I was a child sucking my thumb and rubbing my eyebrows, and
- the plucking which is now identifiable as lack of control – starting from university where I first started to feel that classes, exams and life were operating on a level that I really had no control over or effect on.
So now what? Well, I talked to a friend last night and he laughed and said that he had that problem for years until he noticed it and now he cleans his appartment instead – as an alternative action that provides visual feedback confirming a modicum of control on his situation/surroundings. Apparently at times he has been living in really spotless conditions 🙂 That’s 2 things there. 1: I’m not alone, and the underlaying bits also makes sense, and 2: I can find a way of rechanneling this feeling into some other behaviour.
Do I just reroute the plucking for now? Seems like a good place to start, but I will also have to delve into the self comforting behaviour at some point
I have hope. Wish me luck. Oh, and Happy Holidays to everyone!
Better Off Not Spoken 