I hate it when things make me think.. No.. wait.. let me rephrase that, I love it when things make me think, then reaffirm the way I think and believe and see myself and the world. That makes me all warm any fuzzy… feel like a plush pink stuffed fuzz toy. But the ones that make me re-evaluate stuff… that can get really uncomfortable.
I mean jeez.. at 48 I shouldn’t be re-evaluating bits of me that I have always taken to be integral parts of ME. Ok.. some I’m not thrilled with – the whole fear of rejection, and the whole Impostor syndrome thing… I know about those.. and will.. probably not deal to well with them.. but they are out there.
.. and now for something completely different..
Last week.. or wow.. now 2 weekends ago I was in London for the first part of a Shambhala Meditation instructor training program – which was wonderful by the way – and during a discussion on group dynamics – you know.. when some people talk tons, others are quiet etc – and considering how to get people involved or quiet those over enthusiastic (not over euthanistic.. that’s a fish of a different colour) , one of the assistant teachers made an interesting comment. She said that from her experience, sometimes the people who talk a lot just need to be heard; that they can be people who feel that no-one really listens to them, and that instead of being shut down, what they might really need is for someone to really pay attention to them and be there 100%.
Ok.. perhaps not readily manageable in the context of a group discussion or contemplation, but definitely an interesting though. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.. but I did observe my own inner reactions over the weekend – why I spoke when I spoke a lot. Why I laughed at my own words.. how it felt when people didn’t notice that I had spoken to them and turned away, or didn’t respond.. and I’m not too thrilled with what I found..
plumbing the depths….
I speak fast. I always have spoken fast. Or so I assumed. I mean .. before I spoke I didn’t speak fast.. and I assume there was a point where I started to speed up. Now.. why? When I speak fast.. I feel the need to say everything in my head.. fast.. almost as if there were a feeling that I’m not really being paid attention to, and so I have to get it out fast before the person/people I’m talking to turn their attention to someone/something else, or perhaps just leave. And when someone DOES leave in the middle of a sentence or thought… then .. OOOOOH.. the injustice, the pain.. the asshole is ignoring me… hey… still over here… Grr… It makes my heart twinge, my stomach cramp.. and I just have to breathe and let it go. So… I started to think… maybe I don’t ACTUALLY HAVE to say everything… maybe it’s more of a game I play… to keep you here.. to hold onto something.. and where did that start? So as I say.. I always have spoken fast.. so that can’t… have…. anything… to .. um… so.. um.. Now I find myself seeing myself as a little boy in Scotland, living with my mother, and I wonder with all the things going on then, whether I had experiences where she was busy, and when I tried to say something, she just kept on doing what she was doing.. maybe an ‘aham’ to recognize me, but not really, and then perhaps even walked out of the room? When I picture this, I get a clenching feeling in my solar plexus. Could there be something to it? I guess I would have had 2 choices
- Make sure to have her (or other’s) actual attention, and that they have time to listen to me before I start speaking… or
- Just speed up so I can finish before they leave (although they may have no idea what I’ve actually said).
I have the feeling that as a child I would not have been mature enough to go with option 1, so 2 it was. Reinforcing itself over and over until this behaviour became ME!
and back to the present…. When I slowed.. and talked.. and led the meditation.. I felt so completely different, and the feedback I received was very surprising to me. I would never have thought of my voice as “very pleasant”, “soothing’, “calming”… and so on… but then.. there is/was that speed.
“Well, so what?” you say? I say.. hey.. hey.. hey….
SO… is this part of me, which I’ve always actually in some ways boasted about, been proud of.. the result of some childhood trauma, built on, rationalized, incorporated and assimilated over the years? And if so… now what? I mean.. what do I do? I spent a few days feeling like I was on the verge of a revelation … that something was bubbling up and I actually thought that maybe there would be a lightning bolt; a eureka! moment and everything would change, and I would be free… but well.. that didn’t happen. That means I have to do the hard work myself…. sit.. talk…slow down… feel my heart… wait for people to give me space (of course, sometimes you have to take it.. I’m aware of that). Slow… wait. Do I really need to say this? Is it actually contributing anything, or am I just pushing for confirmation, for acceptance, or for inclusion in “the club”?
It hurts. And not laughing at my own jokes.. or laughing just as an way to make a statement seem less risqué … that kind of sentence wrapped safely in a chuckle approach. It has to stop. If I’m going to talk – if I’m going to teach too – I have to accept responsibility for the affect of my words, and honestly feel the emotion behind them, uncover my hidden agendas and just be there…..
Anyone reading this… it’s really a trip… and a long way to go ..
Love + Hugs
Better Off Not Spoken 